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I love you. But i actually hate you.

May 27th, 2013 parašė Unstable

She looked like everything I’ve ever wanted. The smell of her hair. The way her eyes looked at me. The more time we spent together, the more i saw how completely the same we are. And how completely wrong we are for each other. But still. Shes all i want. Two tragedy’s cant make a wallflower.But i don’t not love her. I don’t care. And i care to much.

As you can see , i’m not having a very good day. I haven’t had one of those in a long time. Sometimes i wish i said inside. My mother. Never to come out.

Rodyk draugams

She dead before she could live.

May 26th, 2013 parašė Unstable

Everytime i take a piece of paper,pick up a pen,my hands start to shiver. I feel the tears building up. I use to write poetry. I use to be in control of my mind. I made so many mistakes. After years of tears and pain , the mistakes turned into ghosts. Watching me. Reminding me that there is no real way out. There is no do over. There is no escape.
Moving on is trying to forget. But how can you forget something that isin’t finished. And cant be finished  cause the book was already locked and sealed a long time ago.
Doctors,medication,talking,therapy. It’s all a lie. You can’t return from the dead. Soon your life turns into your afterlife. You walk around the same streets over and over again , thinking about all the things you didn’t do and wish you did. You can cry. You can pray. But there is no God. There is no solution in the world to make up for all the things you continue to feel sad about. It’s not depression. It’s not pain. Not the lies or the hate. It’s not even you. When people don’t have anything to come back to. They die. Or they turn to Art.
There is a reason we cant forget. A reason we keep coming back. A reason why you will never feel happyness. Or know what that word means.

The answer lies in every tear you’ve ever cried.

Rodyk draugams

Stolen history. Broken youth.

May 22nd, 2013 parašė Unstable

A walk in the rain. A look throw the trees. Im not safe here. Im not safe anywhere. All i do is dream. So calm. But reality is so much more complicated than the picture i have in my head. I’ve been so sad for so long about completely loosing my old friends. Its the only history i can call my own. And after about three years , i want them back. I imagine us laying on the grass. Its summer. Wind going throw our hair. Music playing somewhere near. Not a care. Not a fear. Smiles don’t fade away. Even after the dawn. You always know someone has your back. You always know if you have a bad day… they are there. I miss it. So much. The hole in my soul. Never seems to fill up with anyone else. I dont have an explanation that you (the reader) would understand if you never felt this way. Its like you know something is meant to be…. but. I kept using the word “but” for too long. There is no “but”. Go get your history back.

Rodyk draugams

Enought crying.

May 19th, 2013 parašė Unstable

It’s 4:20 AM. Today has been an eventful day. I woke up , already crying. I’ve been crying for a while now. Yesterday i received a lot of unexpected hate from the Internet world. For the first time i let it get to me. Thank f*ck my best friend texted me and really helped me get throw it. But as i said, today im in tears again. I waited for my parents to leave the house (i just feel really tense when they are home). Went to the store. Bought some beer. If you know me , you know i despise the sun. And then it started beautifully raining. I sat in the balcony , with my beer in my hands and the rain pouring on my face. Suddenly it hit me. All of this time i’ve been so unhappy. I’ve been looking in the wrong places. The biggest reason for my unusual crying habit is the past. Yes. I cry cause my part is all i have. Its the only happyness i know. I dont get why i never considered turning my past , into my future. Who would die , if i texted an old best friend “hey,wanna hang ?”. Nobody. I’ve been frustrated to the point where i want to cut my skin off. Mostly with the people. The morons that surround me. I’ve never met anyone as amazing as my friends i had four years ago. Everyday i hate myself for letting them go. Hate myself for it. But they use to never quit on me.
Speaking of not quiting , this girl i’ve had a crush on.. Damn. Shes been driving me crazy. Where so alike and so f*cked up it the head. We dont work , but this huge attraction we have… Its unexplainable. Today she broke up with her girlfriend. Cause her girlfriend was talking crap about me and she started defending me and said that she cares about me a lot and so they broke it off. I had a second of a happy dance in my room.
Im tired of crying and living in silence. It’s time to stop being afraid. Stop thinking about everything that could go wrong. So what if it does ? Life is wrong. But at least you know you tried…

Rodyk draugams

Overvelming hate

May 8th, 2013 parašė Unstable

Sitting in front of my computer screen. Tears running down my face. Silently praying for the sun to go down so i can crawl into a ball in my bed and continue crying. I hate myself so f*cking much. And im so f*cking tired of hating myself. I cant take it anymore. I look at myself and i want to hit the f*cking mirror. I look at my life and see nothing. Just dust from my past. I’ve lost everything and its pissing me off to the point where i see sleeping pills on my desk , want to overdose and die. I find an excuse for every mistake i made in my life. I want to cut my skin off cause all of the things im crying about are my fault. Im a hypocrite. A peace f shit person. I dont even know what i believe in anymore. Sometimes i lock myself in a bathroom stool in my high school. Just to cry. Cause i hate myself that im afraid. I hate myself i let people get to me. I hate myself cause im so f*cking confused. I hate myself cause i destroy. hate this. I hate me.

I.. Just…Hate.

Rodyk draugams

I dont belong here. Or anywhere fot that matter.

May 2nd, 2013 parašė Unstable

Laying in my bed. I hear the sound of cars somewhere in the distance. I think every teenager in this world felt like they dont fit in. But what if i dont even deserve to fit in. Im just like the people i hate. I dont want to be. But. I shit on what i stand for just to survive another day. Im sorry. Anyway. I went to the psichatrist. After , i felt so emotionally drained. I went to sit in the car. Turned on some Nirvana. Looked at the moving grass , and thought…..

“I wish they just locked me the fuck up”

Rodyk draugams

The introduction

April 29th, 2013 parašė Unstable

Hey. I havent done this in a very long time. And i think i forgot how to even put my thoughts into a sentence. Writing in Lithuanian gets me no use cause im not gonna live here forever. And its much harder to express my feelings. I already sound like an ass , and your probably bored reading these few sentences. And im sorry. But i dont know how to make a cry for help sound interesting. Im not here for pity , im not here for attention , im here for help. Im here to listen to other peoples stories and hope that someone will care enough to read my own. So i guess this is my introduction post. Im going throw a very dark , twisted time. I feel like im losing it.
Im really scared for tomorrow cause im going to a doctor\psichatrist for the first time. And. I dont want to lose it in front of her. Im scared that my weak mind will let me say too much. Im hoping someone reads this. Maybe you’ll be interested in hearing my story. If not then….. I guess this is for my own sanity.

Either way ,Hello.

Rodyk draugams